Monday, January 9, 2012

Reaching A Decision

On December 2nd I made a tough choice.  I spent that whole morning going back and forth between my two options.  If I didn't continue with Nutcracker I would be free to enjoy the Christmas season, but I was afraid of what everyone at the ballet school, and those who knew I would be performing and wanted to come see me, would think of my decision.  Sticking with Nutcracker would bring misery right up to Christmas Eve.  Neither path would be easy.
 I made my final decision on a bench by the bus stop at school. One of my notebooks lay open on the table as my hand flew back and forth across the page, writing a rough draft of the email I would send to the director of the company.  The words flowed out with hardly an interruption, yet it was one of the most difficult letters I ever had to write.  I dreaded the reaction my decision would cause.  I'm sure by now it's obvious that I decided not to go through with Nutcracker.
 I also hated to cause any trouble with casting, but just to get things straight I only had a small part, nothing that stood out.    I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had been cast with a bigger role and left a few weeks before opening night.  I figured it really shouldn't have been a problem to replace me.  You may now be wondering why I had so many rehearsals if I had such a little part in the show, but it was because I was expected to understudy everything. My teacher was pushing me to learn every part so I could get a feel for how to work in a company.  Although there was no chance of me performing waltz, snow, doll, or second act variations, I still learned all of these dances, and even had the opportunity to rehearse some of them. 
When I came home I typed out an email but couldn't bring myself to push the send button until a few hours later.  Eventually I forced my hand to the mouse and sent off my request to be replaced.  I couldn't believe I had done it.
Was there relief?  Some, yes.  I felt free from the burden of being in a place that was so emotionally draining, and one that wasn't right for me to begin with.  I couldn't feel completely better though.  I wondered if the director would be upset with me.  I also hoped she would reply, but I wasn't sure she would.  The weekend passed without a word from her.  Tuesday came and I had given up waiting for a response.  That is until I got home from school that same day and found a message from her in my inbox.


  1. Wow, I'm glad you went with your gut. This story is pretty intense! Tell me how it went. Best wishes.

  2. Seriously, what did her email say?