Last week was filled with questions, and I can't say this week is any clearer. I think my second entrance into ballet has been more about learning to give everything to God than about succeeding in dance. All this practice has made it easier, but I still have my human moments where I want to grab it all back and try to take charge.
I was looking forward to being at California Ballet again. I was a little nervous, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Something was still bothering me though. And this bothersome thought wasn't making it's appearance for the first time. It was something that's been on my mind for a few weeks now and intensified last week. I don't think I've ever mentioned it before but I've always loved horses. I used to take riding lessons when I was twelve, but was forced to give it up for ballet. I always meant to get back to it, and during my break from ballet I tried. But everything was either to expensive or to far away. I began my journey with ballet again, putting an end to all thoughts of horses. It had to happen. Ballet doesn't exactly make enough money to own a horse, let alone give you enough time to be with it. My mom told me that in the future when I was done with ballet I could get a horse. I though, “Yeah, okay. That'll be great someday.” Yet deep down I was disappointed that it would be so far from now. I didn't think about it to much though. That is until I decided what to study in school.
Here's why school of all places caused a tug of war on my heart. This past year I found a new interest that I continue get more excited about. Nutrition has started to fascinate me, and plus I've always loved to eat and figuring out how to do this while still being healthy gives me joy. So I figured, why not study nutrition in college and aspire to become a nutritionist? Of course it would take longer because I would have to fit it around my ballet career but I was fine with that. Until my mom pointed out that if I could become a nutritionist it would probably make enough money to get a ranch and horses. Suddenly I was tempted to skip the ballet part and go straight to the horse part.
The thing is, I'm not just finding some good money making job that will get me a ranch. I'm actually interested in nutrition, which just so happens to make owning horses a reality. Having my own ranch has been something I've wanted for a long time, along with making ballet a career. Now it's coming down to where I have to choose and it's hard.
Last Thursday I thought I had made a decision. On the way to math class I talked with my mom in the car about how I loved ballet, but maybe I didn't want it to be my whole life. Maybe people took it to far anyways. When I got out of the car I felt at peace, like I could finally rest in a decision. I would always take ballet classes but it would be a hobby. I could put my whole self into getting a degree and building up my life with the goal of getting a ranch. I came home, relaxed a bit in the spring air on a blanket, ate a delicious dinner that Chloe had prepared, and felt great. After dinner I decided to work on my ballet collage that I had started the week before. I looked at all the pictures of the beautiful ballerinas. "Okay I'm fine", I told myself. "It's not like I'm completely leaving ballet behind right?" I started to organize the magazine cut outs on the board. "Relax, I can do this. I can give up my dream." That's what I kept telling myself anyway. Turns out I really wasn't ready to let go. I lost it. I started crying. My mom and dad caught me and gave the advice that I should keep taking ballet and seeing how far I can go with it while going to school.
I'm not ready to make a decision yet, and actually it would be foolish to based on how I feel at one particular moment. In fact, it won't be me that's making this decision. I keep saying this but it's worth it to say it again. I put everything in God's hands. He knows where I will be happiest and which road will bring glory to him. I am living each day, not sure about anything, but for the most part okay with that. I'm excited about the future, even though I have no idea what that future may hold.