Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Getting Tired

I have to admit something.  I'm growing weary.  Not of ballet itself, I still consider it the most beautiful thing in the world .  The way I'm forced to go about my training is another story, however.  I made it harder on myself, blowing an amazing opportunity and giving up.  Then to try and come back when I'm already at the age when I should be in a company is hard, and there have been times that I've wanted to give up.
I didn't even take my first class until the late age of ten.  Two years later I was offered a full scholarship from the director of California Ballet School and Company.  I was to nervous though, and I never lived up to my potential.  I couldn't take it anymore, and when I was fifteen I gave up ballet  with the intention of my departure from dancing being permanent.  Two years later I took a ballet class for fun with one of my ice skating friends and the teacher told me I would be good enough to get into a company.  It wasn't too late for me.  I was thrilled and decided to go for it. 
That was a year ago, and that year has been filled with many obstacles.  Southern California is not the best place for ballet, and I couldn't go back to California Ballet School.  Not only was it out of my price range without a scholarship, but I was getting to old to take the classes.  I searched the Internet for hours trying to find a studio that gave intense ballet training, accepted people my age, and was affordable.  Meanwhile my once a week ballet class at a small studio wasn't enough, so I practiced everyday at home.  Of course this was no replacement for a class, in a studio, with a teacher to tell you how to fix something.  I often had tears of frustration running down my cheeks. 
The task of finding what I wanted proved to be impossible.  I settled for less than perfect, but by no means a bad deal.  The studio I go to now has good teachers that have each given me something to think about, and it's improved my dancing dramatically.  One of them even gave me a few private lessons.  The ballet classes are good but the studio isn't focused on ballet.  Most of the people that take ballet classes are actually dancers of another genre or involved in theater and need to take ballet as a requirement.  I seem to be one of the only serious ballet students.  The program they have going on is great.  It creates very well rounded students who can go on to various performing arts.  It's just not quite what I had in mind for myself.
I take class there three times a week, and to make up for the other days I take a college ballet class.  I run into the same problem here, most students are not ballet dancers but they take it to supplement their training.  It's also to slow for me, but that gives me a good opportunity to focus on a correction a teacher gave me or some new way of thinking that can help my technique.  It's good to get a class in everyday even if it doesn't allow me to work at my highest ability.  It keeps me in shape and still causes me to work on things that are giving me a hard time, without it being the most challenging class. 
So I alternate between the two places Monday through Saturday.  Unfortunately, only one of those classes are a pointe class.   When I have ballet in the morning I come right home and practice pointe.  If I have ballet in the afternoon I practice pointe early in the morning to get it done and concentrate on getting homework finished before ballet.  It's not the best scenario.  I can't practice everything I'm capable of or should be working on because I don't have enough room and I don't want to injure myself.   
I feel so helpless.  I have plans to audition for a company this year but how can I?  Am I even ready?  It really kills me everyday to know what could have been.  I usually lack confidence and don't think to highly of my abilities in anything, but I know that if I had the proper training I could have been good.  I'm decent, but I have to be stronger to reach the level I long to aim for.  How can I be Princess Aurora, the most physically demanding role for any ballerina, with what I'm doing now?  I can't.  Maybe God doesn't want me to be Princess Aurora or Odette.  I asked him to revel his plan for my life and I told him I'd follow.  Now it's up to me to live out my promise.  I don't know why he doesn't just open the doors I think would have been best but he knows.  I feel foolish for questioning his wisdom.  I will continue to practice at home with the hopes of achieving my dreams no matter the odds, but with the knowledge that what ever happens in the end will be for the best because God willed it.

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