The day after the audition I still wanted to go to ballet class, which kind of surprised me. Maybe it was because my eyes were opened to how far I still had to go. At the barre I told myself this was where I belonged, but by then I hardly believed it. I had a decent class but it was filled with nagging doubts about my technique and abilities.
It took a few weeks for me to regain my confidence. I grew more frustrated with my weaknesses, which were glaring during the difficult barre at the audition, and felt like I had no chance to catch up to my competition. How could I when my studio didn't focus on ballet? I wanted to give up the day after the audition when I came home from class and practiced pointe. I never liked these torture sessions, because of the absence of a teacher, the furniture that crowded my already limited space, and an annoying cat that thought this was the best time to meow at me and rub against my legs. I felt like I was struggling more than usual to gain control over my body as my mind flashed back to the audition. The other girls were probably going to a real ballet school that day. When they put their pointe shoes on someone who was wiser and more experienced could correct their mistakes. I needed more guidance then them at the moment though! It seemed like my practices at home were good for nothing. I wondered if I was disciplining myself to follow through with these for nothing. I cried, wanting to throw away ballet for good. My stubborn side won out though, as I wiped away my tears and kept going.
These days were hard and at first glance it might have looked that way because I didn't get what I wanted. But in reality that was a small part of it, for it went on a much deeper level. I was willing to work as hard as took to reach the level of going to New York. The problem was there were no options for me to train that rigorously. If I didn't have the training how could I reach the level I wanted to be at? I wasn't naive about the ballet world. I knew of it's coldness, competitiveness, and extreme selectiveness. The only thing I had been ignorant of was how I measured up. Honestly, before the audition I thought there was a chance I might be on the right track, although I was constantly worried I wasn't. Then I saw how far girls my age and younger were. Now my question had been answered, and my new fear was being unable to catch up.
Almost exactly two weeks following the audition I received a very short email confirming that I wouldn't be joining the group leaving San Diego in June. Before the email showed up in my inbox I had already come to the conclusion that if they were blind and did a crazy thing such as accept me I wouldn't go. I wasn't too fond of way the audition class felt, which I've heard is a good indicator of how the whole summer intensive would feel. The Bolshoi is no doubt a place of high quality teachers and training, but this alone isn't enough to make it the place for me.
I wasn't really sure where to turn to at first. Then God reminded me, as he always does, to trust Him in leading me down the right path. He already cancelled out the Bolshoi, so he wants me to go somewhere else. That leaves me here today, with the audition less than a month ago. I'm planning on auditioning for City Ballet's summer intensive here in San Diego. Much less demanding but a good start for me. I've made it past regretting the audition and can look back on it as a positive experience. Just going was a big deal for me. Now I'm focusing on what the future holds while trying to enjoy the present. If I'm to be a prima ballerina in New York then great. If I only join the core de ballet of a small ballet company with a low budget that's fine too. The important thing is I'll be dancing.